I’m very self-conscious about my body – acne, scars, hair, skin, and weight. At times I can be an emotional eater – wanting to binge on my favorite foods and drink for comfort and not care about the effects. I’ve been trying to control all that. I’ve taken notice of what foods or drinks I consume that causes my acne to show itself; therefore, have less of or none of those things at all, and increase my water intake. Taking control of my consumption has been going pretty well – less break outs and weight loss. So what in the world happened to my body last month?!
There were days that I didn’t even want to come out the house. I had to go to work. I had to go to church. I had meetings to attend. I could easily cover my arms and back. I can’t cover my face, though! I couldn’t stand it! I was going over in my head what I was doing wrong. Did I eat anything new? Did I drink something I normally don’t? What’s going on? What’s different in my life?
Work! I’ve been trying to catch on to all the nuances of it. I just can’t. The only consistency about it is having inconsistencies. I don’t work well that way. It’s unhealthy for ME. For real. I was stressed out; mentally drained. I do not thrive in environments like that.
There was one day about two weeks ago that became my best worst day. I had a terrible irritating day. I got up from my desk, walked to the break room, and sat down looking out the window. I glanced at the Pavilion rolling my eyes because it blocked my view of the Downtown Mall. I understand the purpose of the Pavilion, but sometimes it’s just ugly. Depending upon the day – the Pavilion can be convenient (shelter from the rain, shaded place to have lunch) or inconvenient (blocks view of Downtown Mall, have to find alternate route when work is being done on it or preparing for a concert). On that day, it was ug-il-ly inconvenient. I wish I could just untie it and let the wind take it away. It’s in the way!!!
Lo and behold my imagination kicks in… my luck would be that I loosen the cables and get caught up in the lift off. I just laugh and go back to my desk.
Wait … would that be a bad thing? I could see what I wanted to see and beyond. I could look to my left, front, right, and back – all around and see more. More than I knew existed, more than my imagination could take me – more. I know there’s more for me and believe that I can do more, but why don’t I do it? I can talk myself out of everything. I disqualify myself before even trying.
Now, I’m back at my desk wondering what that visualization means …
So, I had a meeting later that day where I was asked to accept another position. Just like that … I saw myself in the air holding on to the Pavilion cable. I just chuckled and accepted the position.
Pastor has been preaching about Next Level Living. Why would that not include me? I don’t know. I do my best with what I know how to. For real, for real … what I do for the church is a passion. It’s challenging sometimes and I don’t want to fail, but I get so much joy from it. Administrative, behind-the-scenes stuff … yes, put me right there. That’s the type of environment that I need to be in. Take what I know, use what I know, add to it, and try to do better than what I did before.
The problem is what I have a passion for, doesn’t fit my current employment position. It’s dead weight. There’s no life. There’s no growth. It’s stifling. I need to breathe! I need to grow! I need to have life (and have it more abundantly, thank you)! I need to drop the weight!
How do I lose this job weight? I could try finding another job … I tried that. Either I THINK I don’t qualify for positions that I’m interested in (need a Bachelors or Masters) or either the position won’t pay enough – not even what I’m getting paid now. See how I talk myself out of trying?
I’m in my own way! Self … lose yourself from the weight. Loose yourself from the ties that bind you. Loose yourself from the fear of heights. Loose yourself from your own mind.
I am the Pavilion … all in the way! The way I wanted to untie the Pavilion and let the wind take it away is the same I need to do for me. Release myself from what holds me down. Lose the weight of self and get lifted. Soar and see where God takes me.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. – Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)